Ranma Kuno
by Ryouga Kobayashi
Summary: Kodachi falls for a mild-mannered Chinese Marital Artist, Akane falls for someone else, Genma falls down
1. Here's Chang Ran Ma

Once upon a time, an otaku wanted to pay tribute to the greatest Manga artist of all time. So he sat down and wrote a fanfic. He eventually got the balls to share it with the world. So sit back, relax and enjoy this fic. Remember, this isn't the original, this is just a tribute. (I got the idea from a song by Tenacious D)

"Ha! Pops is gonna be pissed!" Ranma said as he boarded the plane in Beijing. He flashed his passport and proceeded onto the flight to Osaka. "Gee, I hope they're at least female this time. Uuhg, trying to marry me off to Ukyo. I'm pretty sure Ukyo'd be grossed out by the idea too. He was my best friend. Dad and his stupid stomach," Ranma thought as he settled in for the flight.

Meanwhile, fighting the crowds in the Beijing subway, Genma made his way to the western railway station (or at least he tried, his Japanese cusswords and threats did nothing to ease the crowd). "Stupid boy," Genma thought, "He could have at least bought me a ticket too." He fought his way out of the subway and into the railroad station. "Or a translation book," Genma complained, getting looks from his use of a foreign language. Genma made his way to a ticket counter and told the woman "Tianjin". The woman understood what he meant and asked for one hundred-twenty seven Yuan in her native Chinese. Genma asked "Nani?" The woman repeated herself. Genma shrugged. The woman repeated herself again, much louder and brandishing a ten Yuan bill. "Oh," Genma gave her three hundred Yuan. The woman gave Genma a ticket and change minus twenty Yuan, which she pocketed for herself for having to deal with him. Genma took the ticket and change, saying "Baka". The attendant gave Genma the middle finger.  Not knowing what it meant, Genma made his way to the train.

Ranma thought as his plane passed over Korea. "Good thing, Jusenkyo wasn't there. Koreans would have thrown us out long ago." Ranma had been in China for the last seven years. In that time Ranma had gone to school, got work and learned both Cantonese and Mandarin Chinese. All of this was against his father's wishes. Ranma wanted and needed money. It was fine if Pops wanted to steal and sleep in the streets. Ranma on the other hand, wanted to lead an honest life with his dignity intact. Ranma wanted to be able to hold his head high in both Japanese and Chinese societies. Ranma had been a Chinese as well as Japanese citizen for three years now. Ranma thumbed through his empty Chinese passport and called for a stewardess.

"Yes sir, how may I help you?" The JAL stewardess asked.

"I was wondering if customs would stamp my Chinese passport. I'm a Japanese citizen, but it is my first time home being Chinese and all," Ranma replied.

"Hmm, this is a new one for me," the stewardess said, "As long as your entering as a returning citizen, they'll probably just stamp it as a souvenir. Anything else?"

"Can I get another Coke?"

Genma was glad as Kyushu came into view. He had just finished his obento lunch and was nursing a bottle of sake that the captain got him. "Ranma, you little China man, well maybe Soun's daughters will make him forget all about China," he thought while listening to CD on the Discman Ranma had got him for Christmas, "Oh glorious pop music of the home land!" Genma was already halfway in the bag.

The plane landed at Itami. Ranma went through the line for Japanese citizens, flashing his Japanese passport and getting the stamp in his Chinese passport.

Genma ran though the terminal. All the signs said that Ranma's flight had landed. Genma knew Ranma had no qualms about ditching him and going back to China. Genma finally got to where Ranma's flight's luggage was. The first few people had started retrieving their luggage.

Ranma got to the luggage claim and collected his luggage.

Genma looked around. He couldn't see Ranma anywhere. Suddenly, a bag met the back of Genma's head.

"Have a nice trip?"

"Oh Ranma!" Genma hugged his son's legs. "I thought you went back to China!" Genma was still kind of drunk.

"Chill out. I want out at least meet the girls so I can see what's wrong with them. Only butt ugly people go through with arranged marriages. That's what Yu Jin says."

As the two martial artists left Nerima station, Ranma felt something. But before anything could be done, a deluge inundated them. 

"Well, what are you waiting for? Let's go," a well-endowed redhead in Chinese clothes said.

The panda standing in front of her held up a sign. It read: Shouldn't we change back first?

"Let's just show them what they have to deal with."

The two made their way down the street.

Meanwhile in a nice house not far away, a man sits in his living room talking with his daughters.

"Today, a very good friend of mine is coming by with his son. His name is Ranma Saotome. If one of you girls were to marry him and carry on this dojo, our family's legacy would be secure."

"Excuse me!" Akane said. "We get to pick our fiancée, not you!"

"Wait till you meet him first before you go all queen bitch on us," Nabiki added.

"How old is he, Father?" Kasumi asked.

"Hmmm, I don't know," Soun responded.

"What the hell, you, you....," Akane bitched, "What gives you the right to give us away like some kind of thing! I mean I can see selling a car or giving away an old TV, but a person! That's dirty! I don't think I can look at you the same way again!"

"Akane!" Kasumi scolded, "Take that back."

Before Akane could respond, the doorbell rang. Soon a young girl and a panda stood before them.

"You wouldn't be...." Soun stammered.

"I'm Ranma Saotome," the girl said, "Sorry 'bout this." Ranma looked at the floor.

"At last, your here!"

Soun embraced the girl, thinking she was a he.

"Ooh, he is cute." Nabiki said thinking of the possibilities.

Soun got a strange feeling. He seemed to be hugging more than he should. Soun pulled back and traced her outline. Nabiki moved in for a closer look. She poked at her chest.

"Since when do boys have these," Nabiki stated, "This is a girl!"

Soun fainted. The panda went upstairs for a bath.

Soun awoke with three girls by his side.

"Gee Dad, nice son," Nabiki said, groping at Ranma's breast.

"Umm, could you stop that?"

"Nabiki, that's my job," Akane said, "Oops."

"Huh," Ranma said.

"Never mind," Akane blurted out, "Come, we'll practice girlfriend."

"Alright," Ranma said.

With that Akane promptly dragged Ranma-chan off to the dojo.

"Hey babe, you look like a kenpo chick? Am I right?" Akane said.

"A little."

"Then how bout a little match." Akane positioned herself. Ranma-chan stood as she had been standing. Each time Akane attacked, Ranma dodged.

"That's it, she's gonna get it and not in the good erotic way, ok, maybe in the good erotic way," Akane thought. Akane lunged at Ranma's waist. Ranma jumped, flipped, and landed. Akane stopped as her fist went through the wall. Ranma tapped her on the back of her head.

"You're good," Akane said, "Thank you for being a girl."

Ranma stood in the dojo as Akane left. A sense of guilt rushed over her body.

The rest of the family was sitting in the living room when they heard it. The scream resonated throughout the house. Akane ran into the room and picked up a table.

"Gonnakillhimgonnakillhimgonnakillhimgonnakillhimgonnakillhim."

"Akane, what are you doing with that? Kasumi asked.

"I'll kill the pervert!"

Just then a handsome, young man appeared at the door.

"I'm Ranma Saotome. I guess we're no longer friends, huh Akane."

"Damn straight, you perverted cross dresser transvestite. Akane don't play that."

It's not my fault. Do you think I wanted to be tossed in the spring, you crazy dyke! I knew this would happen."

"My name is Gen..." Genma was interrupted.

"You Tendou?" Ranma pointed at Soun.

"Yes," Soun replied.

"Just introduce me to your daughters, so they can make fun of me and I can go home."

"What?"

Ranma pulled his fist back ready to knock Soun out.

"Oh, sorry, that's Kasumi, she's nineteen. That's Nabiki, she's seventeen. That's Akane, she's sixteen."

Kasumi was the first to speak.

"Why would we make fun of you?"

"Because of this." Ranma lifted a bucket over his head and dumped it over his head.

"Oh my," Nabiki said, "He's a girl."

"Pick anyone you like. She will be you're new fiancée," Soun said.

"Akane would seem to be the wisest choice," Kasumi said.

"What the fuck! Why me!"

"Because you hate boys," Nabiki said.

"What?" Ranma screamed.

"There's no way I'm marrying that freak," Akane exclaimed.

"I no marry Miss Queen Bitch Dyke, that for damn sure," Ranma said in his best Chinese accent.

Akane got up ready to kill.

"What did you say, you freak!"

"I said I'm not marrying a flat-as-a-board, bitchy, self-righteous, dyke queen. Not now, not ever!" As Ranma finished the sentence, her fist sent Akane across the room. Ranma ran upstairs. She locked herself in Soun's study and laid on the couch sobbing.

Soun was the first to get up to go find Ranma. Expecting him to be in the bathroom, changing back into a guy, he was going to scold him for punching Akane. Soun instead heard crying from his study. Soun rethought his plan. "A scolding is not what he needs," he thought. Soun went back down stairs.

"Kasumi?"

"Yes, father?"

"Could you talk to Ranma?"

"Ok." Kasumi didn't understand why, but went to her father's study as Soun asked. Upon arrival, Kasumi understood why. "Father was never good at these kinds of things." Kasumi knocked on the door.

"Ranma?"

"What do you want," Ranma replied between sobs.

"Can I come in?"

"Why? So you can laugh, make fun of me, call me a pervert?"

"Why would I do something like that?

Ranma got up and unlocked the door. She returned to the couch, still crying. Kasumi walked in and took a seat next to Ranma.

"So the curse really bothers you."

"Gee, what gave you that idea."

"Well, your response downstairs and your father explained the rest."

"Oh, stupid moron."

"I'm sorry, I was scared. I'm sure you were, too."

"Nobody ever takes my feelings into account," Ranma said, "Dad tried to bring me here a few years ago, but I was afraid to go home after falling in the spring." Kasumi was consoling the sobbing girl in her arms.

"So one night, I decided to stay in China. I kept my curse a secret, but those who found out were great about it. I even found other cursed people. I even found another boy who had the same curse as me. That made me decide to stay in China." Ranma had stopped crying. "I became a Chinese citizen. You wanna see my passport?"

"Sure," Kasumi replied. Ranma got up and left the room. She soon returned with a small, red book with unfamiliar writing.

"This is it. My People's Republic of China Passport and Travel permit." Ranma opened it and showed Kasumi the page with her male picture.

"You're proud to be Chinese as well," Kasumi smiled, "What's a travel permit?"

"It allows you to freely cross borders and travel around the country of China."

"Well, I'm happy to see you've stopped crying. I'm sorry about earlier."

"Yeah." Ranma was ready to burst into tears again. "Why did you and Nabiki try to pawn me off on Akane?

"We were scared." Nabiki walked in. She had been listening since the Passport.

"It's not you." Kasumi reassured.

"I don't know about Kasumi, but the thought of having my future decided for me scared me to death."

"Yeah, I'd say that's about right Nabiki."

The three hugged. Just then Soun walked in.

"Ranma, your father explained the whole story to me and is now explaining it to Akane for the third time. I understand everything even why you knocked out Akane. She can be difficult. I've had trouble with her myself." Just then Soun realized that Kasumi and Nabiki were still in the room. He dismissed them.

"Ranma, stay here as long as you have to. Your father told me about your Chinese citizenship. I'll tell you what, you don't have to marry one of my daughters if you don't want to. It's ok with me, just don't tell your father."

"I won't," Ranma said, "and Mr. Tendou?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"Don't worry about it."

Soun left the room. A few minutes later, he came back.

"You can change back now. The bathroom's free and Akane will be busy for a while. The sound of Akane and a royally pissed off panda filled the house.

Why does Ranma always have to be some kind of suave, lady killing (not literally) punk? Can't Ranma have at least semi-normal? Why? Takahashi-sama tries, so should you. Read and review! No flames, not honorable.


	2. School Daze

Hmmm…. Still not mine.

Ranma was packing his things for school.

"Ranma," Genma asked, "Wanna spar?"

"No."

"Come on, your no fun."

"I have school, pops."

Ranma grabbed his bag and went downstairs for breakfast. He sat down and Kasumi served his breakfast. Soun was there, reading his paper. Nabiki and Akane joined them.

"Nabiki?"

"Yes, Ranma?"

"Would you mind walking me to school. I don't know where it is and there are no street signs."

"Oh, uh." Nabiki took a look at Akane who was scarfing her breakfast down. "Sure, I'll take you. We won't be in the same class, but I can show you to your class and introduce you to your teacher."

"Ooh, Nabiki's taking the freak to school. OohhhhACK!!!"

Nabiki's slammed her bag over Akane's head.

"The Sakura! They live in my twat. Oh, Yuka! I'd love for you to get from me!" Akane sung in a stupor.

"And she calls me a pervert," Ranma said.

"Don't worry about it," Nabiki said, "Akane'll snap out of it in a few. You ready?"

Ranma finished his breakfast and left with Nabiki.

"You're so huge and bouncy!" Akane continued to sing.

Ranma was in class when he heard it. He went out into the hall to see what was going on. He saw Nabiki and asked her about what was going on.

"Well, Kuno," Nabiki pointed to a tall boy in a kendo uniform, "Gave a speech about how if a guy wanted to date Akane, they had to kick her ass. Luckily, for Akane, she's beaten them all every day since." They watched Akane fight the horde of confused boys until the 8:30 bell. Ranma went to class, on time.

"Ok class," Mr. Miyamura began, "We have a new student joining us from China, Ranma Saotome. So, let's all give him a warm 'Ni hao' welcome. You may sit in that...." Akane burst in the door.

"Sorry I'm late. What the hell are you doing here!" Akane pointed at Ranma.

"Miss Tendo, this is Ranma Saotome. He'll be our new classmate. You know the drill, but stay out there for ten minutes for the colorful language."

"Yes sir."

"Ranma," Mr. Miyamura continued, "You can take the seat by the window. I don't want Miss Tendo giving you any trouble."

Nabiki had invited Ranma to have lunch with her in her class.

"I don't want Akane trying anything stupid," Nabiki said.

"Thanks," Ranma said , working on the lunch Kasumi packed for him.

"So, who is this, Nabiki Tendo?"

"What's it to you, Kuno baby?"

"Who's this," Ranma asked, "You're boyfriend?"

"Hell no."

"I am Tatewaki Kuno, the captain of this school's kendo club and rising young star of the kendo world. My peers call me the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!"

"Like the uniform you wore when Akane kicked your butt?" Ranma said.

"Excuse me? Maybe you should try for her hand sometime."

"No thanks, not interested."

"What, afraid she'll hurt you?"

"No. I, Ranma Saotome of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Chinese Martial Arts, am interested in girls who like guys."

"Excuse me?" Kuno asked.

"Yeah, I'm Chinese to boot." Ranma showed Kuno his passport.

"You carry that around with you?" Nabiki asked. Ranma let her look through it. Nabiki had never seen a Japanese passport, let alone a Chinese one.

"Not that." Kuno was a little ticked. "Are you implying that Akane is, is, oh, I can't bear the thought!"

"Well I could be wrong," Ranma said in an attempt to ease Kuno's mind, "You can try to prove me wrong. But she freaked when her father tryed to engage us."

"Your wrong! Akane would never be of an alternate lifestyle!"

"Hey, I didn't say that. You need to draw your own conclusions."

After school, Nabiki met Ranma for a walk home.

"So, how was your first day."

"Good, Akane didn't give me any trouble and my Chinese language teacher made me student assistant."

"Student assistant, Ranma?"

"Yeah, I've spoken Chinese for the past five years, so Miss Tsuru made me her assistant. She said that I'd probably wind up teaching some of the classes myself!"

"Well, seems like your doing well Ranma."

Unknown to Nabiki and Ranma, Akane and her crew were playing a game of American style tackle football. As Ranma and Nabiki walked by the pool, the horde of testosterone-high girls ran toward the two, who were standing near the pool. Nabiki noticed the tomboy horde and moved out of the way. Unfortunately, Ranma was knocked into the pool by Reiko, Akane's girl-toy (if Akane had anything to do with it).

"Sorry", Reiko said as she looked at the pool and threw the ball to Ritsuko.

"Are you ok, Ranma?" Nabiki asked as she pulled a very feminine Ranma out of the pool.

"Stupid hentai horde!" Ranma shook herself out inu style. (inu = dog). "Ugh, well hope I don't meet any cute guys on the way home."

"Ranma," Nabiki said with a pleased look on her face, "I think we're gonna be good friends."

"Oh, Nabiki." The two girls walked off, with an arm around each others waist. Just then, a familiar voice came up from behind.

"Well, well, well," the familiar voice said, "I see that the ladies have gathered to witness the manly glory that is Tatewaki Kuno."

"Ugh, here he goes again," Nabiki lamented.

Ranma turned around.

"Hey there sexy!"

"Ranma! What are you doing!" Nabiki couldn't believe what she just heard.

"Oh, and who is the lovely creature who doth call my name?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"Would you believe my name is Ranma?"

"I met a boy named Ranma earlier today. You know him?"

"Really? A boy named Ranma? I've never met a boy with my name before."

"Ooh, you're such a smooth operator," Nabiki said.

"Don't mind her," Kuno said, "He's ok, I guess. I could see myself sparring with him and being familiar with him. He's Chinese, too."

"Ohh, Chinese," Ranma said, faking an impressed aire, "I'm just a liitle ol' Japanese girl."

"Oh, but lo' my darling, you have captured my heart. Not an easy task for a little old Japanese girl."

Ranma blushed.

"Say," Kuno continued, "Are you doing anything Saturday night?"

"Umm, no, why?" Ranma inquired.

"Well, I was thinking we could go check out a new restaurant I heard about in Nakano. Maybe we could also see a movie too."

"That," Ranma said, "would be great."

"Then it's a date. Meet me at Toei Nerima station at six."

With that Kuno walked calmly off until he was out of sight. Then he launched into a humorous victory dance of sorts.

"What was that about?" Nabiki inquired.

"What was what?"

"You just made a date with Kuno. What the hell was that all about?"

"So? I don't see the big deal. It's just a pretty girl going out with a interesting guy."

"But, Ranma, you're a....oh my...I can't believe what I was about to say. Is this something to do with your curse."

"You betcha!"

"So, being a cursed as a girl you also take on girl thoughts?"

"As a girl, I can do anything a girl can do. I just have to be careful."

"Makes sense."

"The Chinese support group I went to explained responsible reproduction and stuff like that. They talked about being proud of yourself, male and female. It's a good chance to learn about what the opposite sex goes through. You also get used to stuff like attraction."

"Maybe if all guys had your curse, Akane wouldn't be the way she is."

Ooooh, controversial. If there is any emotion stirring in you, I've done my job. I like doing OOC, it's fun playing with the characters. Don't destroy my last source of happiness! *crys ala Soun Tendou Cry #32*


	3. Japanese Family Hibiki

Writing is good for the soul (So is listening to Maaya Sakamoto, but that's different). Usual rules apply.

A familiar looking red-haired girl sat in front of a computer in her apartment in Seoul. She was making reservations.

"So, Red, is the trip all set?" Another girl came out of the bathroom and asked.

"Well, looks like we're taking the ferry. That ok with you, Yoiko?"

"Sounds good to me, Ranko."

Ranko went back to what she was doing.

That night Ranma (boy-type) decided to make a Chinese feast for the house. Ranma had learned to cook and was quite good at it. Kasumi walked in the kitchen as Ranma was putting the chicken in the frying pan.

"Ranma, what are you doing?"

"I'm making a Chinese feast for everyone."

"Oh, do you need any help?"

"Could you watch over the Sichuan beef, turn off the stove when it turns dark brown."

"Ok." Kasumi's mouth was starting to water as she watched the food. This never happened.

"Ranma," Kasumi started, "How was school."

"Good, avoided Akane, had lunch with Nabiki, got a date with cute guy."

"You're like that, too?"

"If you mean like Akane, no. My bisexuality is curse driven. Akane's just screwed. I still like girls, but also have a soft spot for cute guys. My support group explained that it was perfectly normal for members of my curse genre to have these feelings."

"That's good. It doesn't seem so unnatural anymore."

"Yeah, I met a couple in China who have the curse and, well it was cool how they dealt with it."

After dinner, Ranma was doing some high-speed Tai Chi while listening to Two-Mix. Suddenly, the music stopped.

"Well, well, well, so the freak is going out on a date with Kuno. Didn't know you were into that kind of thing?" Akane asked.

"Well, guess what Akane, I'm not. My girl half wants to get to know him. Maybe he has a sister for me? Wishful thinking, huh?"

"Ah, yeah, sure." Akane laugh and drooled.

A boy stood on a corner in Pyongyang. "Why is everyone staring at me," he thought. The young Japanese boy confused the North Koreans. "Better say something."

"Hail to the Great Leader!" He became nervous.

There was much cheering in Korean. The people went about business as usual. The boy continued on as well. "Keep walking, Ryouga, keep walking. These people are scary. Hah, and I thought Burma was bad."

Ranma-chan made her way to Toei-Nerima station. She was wearing an attractive black dress that Kasumi lent her from her dates with Doctor Tofu. It was Kasumi's, so it was tasteful. Nabiki's, on the other hand, smacked of "I'm gonna screw you over" and none of them fit. Ranma had bought Kuno a Chinese sword sheath. It wasn't expensive, but she had to go to Yokohama to get it. She got to the station a little early, so she sat down in front of a tree. It didn't take long for the kendoist to arrive.

Well, beauty doth persuade, I say..." Kuno stuttered.

Ranma stood up.

"You, are, a smooth operator." Ranma handed Kuno the package the sheath was in. "For you."

Kuno took the package and opened it.

"Oh my, I always wanted one of these!" Kuno danced around like a schoolgirl. "Where did you find it?"

"Yokohama," Ranma replied, "One of only three in Japan."

"Ah, but I have not forgotten you, my love." Kuno handed Ranma a box. Ranma opened it. It contained a kimono.

"I had my grandmother make it especially for you. My grandmother is from the family Koizumi, famed for their skill in fashion. A boy can wear it too. I noticed that you were wearing a boy's uniform at school."

"How observant of you, Kuno. It's beautiful. Thank you."

"Oh, look at the time, we'd better get going."

With that, the two headed for the train.

Ranko and Yoiko were returning from their work at KNR when Yoiko spotted a familiar looking boy.

"Oh, my," Yoiko said, "He looks lost."

"Maybe," Ranko suggested, "We should help him."

The two girls walked over and introduced themselves.

"Hello," Ranko began, "I'm Ranko Saotome and this is my friend."

"Hibiki, Yoiko Hibiki. Yoroshiku."

"Excuse me!" Ryouga was stunned. "I'll get to you in a minute, Miss Saotome. You, Yoiko Hibiki, my name is Ryouga Hibiki, who are your parents?"

"Junichiro and Satomi Hibiki, why?" Yoiko replied.

"How can you have the same parents as me? I don't have a sister!"

"I was taken from my parents after my older brother and they...got lost." Yoiko was stunned.

"That explains the resemblance," Ranko added.

"Shut up, Saotome!" Ryouga bellowed, "I'll get to you later!"

"That explains this, then." Yoiko pulled out a family portrait.

"That's me when I was younger." Ryouga composed.

"I always wondered who that boy was," Yoiko reminisced, "and now I've found him!"

"Now, Saotome, why do you look like this boy?" Ryouga held up a picture of a nine year-old male Ranma.

"I don't know," Ranko said, "Maybe my father can shed some light on this. We're going to Japan in a week. Hmmm, do you have any money?"

"Ummmm..." Ryouga thought, "Yes!" Ryouga rifled through his pack. He pulled out 2,500 yen, 100 Yuan, 30000 won, 20 baht, 7,000 dong, 50 rubles, an American Express card and a Visa card.

"What the.... How, who?" Ranko and Yoiko were stunned.

"Mommy and Daddy." Ryouga held his stash up being cutesy.

"Say, Ryouga," Ranko suggested, "Why don't you come with me and your sister to Japan." 

It was night. A shapely shadow moved across the lawn. A quiet, psychotic laughter emanated from the moving object. As the figure slid the door open, the next-door neighbor's dogs started barking. The figure tossed a treat and continued into the house. The figure continued up the stairs. It stopped in front of Akane's door. The figure was expecting a sleeping Akane to be waiting on the other side. She opened the door. She was met with...

"You've returned!" a quite naked Akane shouted in ecstasy.

"What the hell!!!" The leotard-clad girl dumbfounded with her mallet still over her head.

"My," Akane said in her most seductive voice, "What a large mallet you have."

"What the, you're supposed to be sleeping, you're ruining my plans!" the leotard-girl said.

"But where's the fun in that for me? Akane wants to have fun too, Kodachi."

"Eww, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm here to destroy you!"

"Ohh, but wouldn't it be more fun to destroy each other?"

"That's gross. Don't you think that I don't know what you're thinking, cause I do. I am trying to rub you out, deep six ya, snuff ya out, make you cease to exist!"

"I thought you wanted to rub me all over, sixty nine me, watch smut, make me cream while you jizz."

Instead of replying, Kodachi turned and ran out of the room. Unfortunately for her, a naked Akane followed in hot pursuit. Kodachi flew through the house. Ranma heard this and went outside, which is where the most recent commotion was. Ranma looked up at the hall window, He saw a mass of leotard, and girl and hair come falling down. The naked Akane singing, "Feel like making love to you" by some American band from the seventies followed that. Ranma (who is a guy at this time) caught the falling gymnast. Akane landed in front of the two.

"Let go of my girlfriend, you pervert!" Akane bellowed.

After hearing that and seeing Akane in the nude (again), Ranma took the girl and ran. Akane followed in hot pursuit. Ranma ran through the streets, in full clothing, while the naked Akane followed. As the sun came up, Ranma ducked into the Seibu Nerima station. Akane finally realized she was naked and ran home. Ranma checked his watch. It was five in the morning, on a Sunday. Ranma decided it would be best for the sake of him and his companion if they stayed away from Akane and Nerima for the day. Ranma bought two tickets and carried the girl to the platform. Kodachi had fallen asleep during the ordeal. Ranma didn't know her name though.

Ranma had taken Kodachi to a busy park in Ikebukuro. Ranma had found a bench and decided to wait there for Kodachi to wake up. He sat next to where he had rested the girl. Ranma started humming an Orikasa Ai song as Kodachi finally woke up.

"Uugh, where am I?"

"A little park in Ikebukuro. I come here all the time when Akane gets like that," Ranma replied.

"Huh? Oh yeah." Kodachi remembered the horrible chase by the horny girl. She also remembered being caught by someone before passing out. She looked over at Ranma. "What a man." She thought.

"Don't worry, I'm not some ecchi hentai like Akane," Ranma said, "I come here all the time when she gets like that."

"So you come here often?" Kodachi asked with big eyes. (you know the kind)

"Yeah, I do, don't I. Geez, Akane's such a bitch. Oh, I'm Ranma Saotome, Yoroshiku."

"I'm fine. My name is Kuno, Kodachi Kuno."

"Oh, do you have a brother?"

"Yes, why?"

"Is his name Tatewaki?"

"Yes, why?"

"Does he go to Furinkan High School?"

"Yes. Why all the questions?"

"I thought that name sounded familiar. I can see the resemblance, but your way much more gorgeous."

"Why, thank you, Ranma."

"By the way, would you like to change into something other than a leotard? Not that it looks bad, but it must be uncomfortable."

Meanwhile...

"You two follow me, understand? Follow me! Don't take your eyes off me."

"But what if..."

"Ignore them. Who cares if people think you're rude."

"What about..."

"Just ignore them. If it's important, get my attention. I don't feel like taking any unknown trips to look for you two."

"Yes, ma'am." The two Hibikis said in unison.

The two Hibikis followed Ranko Saotome through Narita airport. They did all the usual airport things and then headed for Tokyo. They made their way to a Keisei train. They plotted their next move.

"I guess we'll go to this guy Tendou's house," Ranko suggested.

"Why," Yoiko asked.

"He is a friend of my father's. Tendou might know where he is."

"Good point," Ryouga added.

I had fun with this chapter. Read and Review! (Thank you Ryoshu).

_Kini wo, kini wo shinjiteru sanuiyoriwo – _Maaya Sakamoto, Yakusoku-Wa-Iranai


	4. When worlds collide sort of

I finally got back the disk that this story was on. You all seemed to be enjoying the story, so I figured I'd keep going. I hope you enjoy. Kind of sort of adult material in this, you have been warned.

Genma shivered. Soun and Genma were playing shogi.

"What's wrong?" Soun inquired.

"Something's going to happen today," Genma replied.

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

Ranma and Kodachi made their way through Shinjuku. As they left the Keio department store, Kodachi was dressed more appropriately for a day on the town. She had been commenting that while she usually did not dress in this particular attire, the jeans were comfortable and the t-shirt was cool.

"It suits you well," Ranma commented.

"Why, thank you."

"So you want to get something good to eat," Ranma asked, "or see a movie or maybe a round of karaoke?"

"A movie sounds nice," Kodachi commented, "and the food, too."

As they walked through the Shinjuku station, Ranma thought he recognized someone who looked like himself. Ranma wrote that of and continued on with his "date."

The three made their way to Nerima, where it began to rain. So, as a result the boy, girl and pig continued on to the Tendou dojo.

"Bweee! Weeee! Bweee, bweee, bweee!" (Translation: Ahhh!!! She looks like Saotome!)

"Yoiko, could you shut that pig up!" Ranko-kun said.

"Gotcha." Yoiko promptly smacked the pig upside the head.

Ranko picked up Ryouga. "You're a kawaii little thing, ain't 'cha."

The pig blushed. They continued on to the Tendou dojo.

Soun had just finished on of his few baths recently and was sitting in his study reading some ancient texts that had been passed down through his family. He had already decided that the texts were going to Kasumi. Akane would probably destroy them and Nabiki would probably sell them. Not that Nabiki wouldn't get top dollar for them, but they were air looms. They were supposed to stay in the family Tendou. Kasumi would take very good care of them. Then, there was a knock at the door. Soun went to see who it was. Soun was met with the sight of a boy, girl and a kawaii black piglet.

"Hajimemashite, are you Soun Tendou, master of this fine dojo?" Yoiko asked.

"Why yes I am. Who might you be?"

"Yoiko Hibiki's the name, getting lost is my game and this is my friend..."

"Ranko Saotome."

"And this is my brother Ryouga." She held up the pig.

"Bweee," Ryouga squealed as he held up a hoof.

"Ok." Soun was confused.

"Two questions," Yoiko continued, "First, can these two get a quick bath?"

"Sure," Soun replied, "It's around the corner."

The boy and the pig bowed and ran off.

"I'll let Ranko ask you the second," Yoiko said. "Nice place you got here. You don't see many houses in Korea. Ranko and I live in Korea. We all live in apartments"

"Is Ranko your boyfriend?" Soun asked.

Just then a boy and a girl came walking out from the bathroom.

"Ooh, you're pretty buff," Ranko-chan said.

"Ahh, you're sexy Ranko-chan," Ryouga replied.

"What did you two do?" Yoiko asked.

"Got a smoke?" the two of them said in unison.

"Here." Soun handed over two of his cigarettes.

"Thanks," the two said. They took their cigarettes and lit up. Soun realized what that usually meant and slapped his forehead.

"Oh my God! Ranko! What did you and my brother do!" Yoiko exclaimed.

"Nothing."

"That's good," Soun said reassuringly. "So, Ranko, you have a Jusenkyo curse?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"Your father's here."

"What!"

"Well, that answers question two," Yoiko said casually.

"And your brother is here as well."

"I have a brother?" Ranko inquired.

"Yes and he turns into you when wet," Soun continued.

Just then Akane and Nabiki came strolling in.

"Oh baby!" Akane squealed. "And who are you two sexy bitches. Have you come to play with the beautiful, amorous Akane?"

"First of all," Ranko began.

"Your not beautiful," Yoiko continued.

"They came here to find Ranko's dad," Ryouga added, "Not play with you."

"Shut up boy!" Akane flared with anger.

"Uh oh," Nabiki warned, "Y'all better run." Nabiki and Yoiko shared a look before Nabiki picked her up and ran off. Ryouga picked up Ranko and followed Nabiki. Soun went back to his study.

"Come back here with my girlfriends!!!" Akane bellowed.

"No way!" Nabiki, Ryouga and Soun yelled.

Akane stalked off. Nabiki, Yoiko, Ranko, Ryouga and Soun regrouped in Soun's study. Nabiki was the first to speak.

"What's the deal with cutie here, Saotome and Saotome's boyfriend? What about Kuno-baby, Saotome?"

"How do you know my name?" Ranko asked.

"Don't play dumb, Saotome," Nabiki said.

"Look, babe," Yoiko said, "Ranko has lived with me for the past ten years. We spent seven of those in Korea."

"Is that so? Show me your passport, Saotome." Ranko handed it over. "Hmm, Saotome, Ranko Moran, 14-23-1 Chung Woon-Dong. Sex...Female?" Nabiki looked at Ranko. "So, you're not Ranma?"

"Uh, no," Ranko replied, "Who the hell is Ranma?"

"I guess he would be your brother."

"Whose brother am I?" Ranma walked into the study, followed by Kodachi.

Ranma and Ranko stood there, stunned, to be looking at how they look in curse form. All was quiet until Genma came in.

"Hmm? Who are you?" Genma asked.

"Are you Genma Saotome?" Ranko asked.

"Yes, who are you?" Genma asked.

"Ranko Saotome." Ranko showed Genma all of the papers she had.

"Why would Nodoka do this to me! She should have known I would have let her train you! I can't handle women!" Genma cried as he hugged his long lost daughter.

"Should I go?" Kodachi asked.

"If you want," Ranma said looking at the reunion.

"Ok, I'll be off then." Kodachi made a 'call me' gesture as Ranma said bye to her. Ranma nodded.

"So, your Ranko's brother?" Yoiko asked Ranma, "Hmm, I see the resemblance."

"So, who are you?" Ranma asked.

"Ranko's friend and his sister." Yoiko pointed at Ryouga. "Hibiki, Yoiko Hibiki. Yoroshiku."

"Hajimemashite."

"I'll kill them all!" Akane fumed as she vented her anger. "They'll all be dead and all the fine women of the world will be thanking me and fighting each other for a chance at my hand. Ughh, rather than all those stupid boys fighting me, stupid boys, all there good for is comic relief and cattle food." Akane ran through complex katas and other moves. Nabiki interrupted her.

"Why did you do that earlier?"

"Hey, when Akane sees something, Akane goes for it."

"Yeah, but not every girl is like you." 

"So, what's your point? Those morons need a lesson in taste."

"Are you calling me a moron, Akane?"

"Yes, yes I am Nabiki! You are a moron! You still like boys and are therefore a moron!"

Nabiki proceeded to smack Akane with a 2X4 and proceeded to take a thousand yen from her wallet.

Later on, Genma, Ranma, Ranko, Ryouga and Soun went out for dinner. Akane went over to Reiko's. Kasumi went over to Dr. Tofu's. That left Yoiko and Nabiki at the Tendou house. Nabiki was in the kitchen preparing a dinner of instant noodles, rice and beef.

"It's for love, for love, for love!"

Nabiki was hurrying around the kitchen while Yoiko was taking a bath. Nabiki set the table and was lighting some candles as Yoiko came down from her bath.

"What's the occasion?" Yoiko asked.

"I...I thought a nice dinner was in order to celebrate your arrival back to Japan," Nabiki said.

"Looks delicious."

"Thank you." Yoiko and Nabiki sat down and started to eat. Nabiki was the first to strike up conversation.

"So, how long have you and Ranko been together?"

"Well, we met in an orphanage in Matsue. I was five, Ranko was six. Two years later, we left. We ran away. For a while we wandered about China. That's where Ranko or Red as I call her sometimes, fell into that stupid little pond."

"Jusenkyo?"

"Yeah, that's the place. Any who, Red and me figure we'd best get our butts out of China. So, we made our beeline to Korea. Ranko didn't want to be in the same country as her mother. She was the one who put Ranko in the orphanage. I was put there because the government found me and Ryouga's mom and dad to be unfit. Ryouga had gotten lost and they were lost as well. One of my neighbors called the authorities and they took me."

"That's so sad." Nabiki was holding one of Yoiko's hands.

"Oh, Nabiki." Yoiko noticed Nabiki's hands.

"I'm sorry," Nabiki blurted out, "Did I make you fell uncomfortable?"

"No, you didn't. I usually start crying when I tell people my story, it helped."

"I'm glad." Nabiki smiled. "You wanna watch a movie?"

"Sure." They finished dinner and went to the living room. Nabiki put a movie on and sat down next to Yoiko. They watched the movie and fell asleep.

Ranma and Ryouga stayed up. Ranko, Soun and Genma went to sleep.

"So, we going to this or what," Ryouga started.

"Do what," Ranma said.

"You moron!" Ryouga slashed at Ranma with is umbrella.

"What the, you're still mad about that?"

"Not just that you idi...Bweeeeee!!!!!" It started to rain.

"That was you?" Ryouga gave Ranma an annoyed look.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I was to busy trying to kill my father." Ranma picked up Ryouga and headed for the kitchen. After returning to their original forms, they had a nice talk.

"So you had no intention of knocking me into the spring?" Ryouga asked.

"No, of course not," Ranma replied, "I thought we were friends?"

"What about the bread?"

"I would have shared. You never asked."

Ryouga laughed. "So that's why you always walked home with me. What about the fight?"

"I thought it was a friendly spar."

Ryouga laughed. Ranma extended his hand. Ryouga shook it. Just then Akane walked in.

"Prepare to die boys!"

"What the!!!!!" The two boys dodged the giant mallet.

"Stay still!!!!" Akane swung the mallet again.

"Geez, She reminds of one of my old Bangkok hookers." Ryouga dodged the swing that the comment produced and followed Ranma out of the room. Akane gave chase until the boys ducked down a street that she had been banned from. The boys kept running until they got to a restaurant.

"Ucchan's," Ryouga noticed, "You hungry?"

"Now I am," Ranma replied. The two walk in and sit down at the bar. The chef walked over to them Ranma recognized the chef.

"Ukyo? Ukyo! Buddy! How've ya been! Long time, no see! What's with the drag get-up?"

"Excuse me!" Ukyo exclaimed, "What do you mean drag get-up! This is me you moron!" Ukyo gave the boys a quick flash.

"Oh, Ranma! You pissed off the chef, Thanks for the show," Ryouga joked poking Ranma in the ribs.

"What!" Ranma shrieked, "You were a girl! The whole time? The whole time. The whole time!"

"Wait," Ukyo interrupted, "You didn't realize I was a girl? You thought I was a guy?"

"Duh," Ranma replied, "I wouldn't have fought you if I knew you were a girl. I don't fight girls!"

"Ooh, I struck a nerve," Ukyo said, "Well, seeing as how this is all a big misunderstanding, the okonomiyaki is on the house. What do you say?"

"Sounds great," Ryouga said.

Ukyo served and explained the whole story about how Genma ditched her. Ranma just ate. She also vented about the new Chinese restaurant around the corner. Just then a really pissed off, uncute, unsexy tomboy strolled into Ucchan's.

"Alright," Akane proclaimed, "First, I'm gonna kill all of you, then I'll make okonomiyaki out of you!" Akane ran at them. Ranma and Ryouga dodged. Ukyo smacked her with her giant spatula.

"Get out of my restaurant, bitch!" Ukyo screamed.

"The male kind's minions shall be smited as well." Akane got into a fighting stance. Ukyo followed up. Just then, Ryouga snuck up behind Akane. He grabbed her ponytail and cut it off. Akane realized what had happened and ran out the restaurant crying. The remaining occupants laughed in hysteria.

"Go Ryouga." Ukyo and Ryouga high-fived.

"Guess I won't be worrying about her for a while," Ranma said, "And what did you mean when you said that Akane reminded you of one of your hookers?"

"I used to be a pimp," Ryouga answered nonchalantly.

"What?" Ukyo was stunned.

"I was in Bangkok," Ryouga began, "I was broke. This woman came up to me and asked me if I was lost. I said yes. She asked me where I lived and when I said Japan, she laughed. She took me back to her apartment where a bunch of her friends were talking about how their pimp had left for America. Then this really cute one looked at me and suggested that I take that position. Some of them laughed. Some of them seemed to agree that I would make a good candidate, including the one who brought me there. It was cool how they tested me."

"How did they test you?" Ranma asked.

"I got some," Ryouga replied.

"What!" Ukyo was shocked.

"I scored!" Ryouga exclaimed, " That's right. I got laid. Remember that really cute one? Well, she was, the, tester. She said I had what it took."

"But," Ranma said, "What about diseases and such."

"Oh, they got themselves checked out every two weeks. So they were clean. Made a butt-load of money and not to mention the, perks." Ryouga smirked.

"That still doesn't explain Akane."

"Oh yeah, there was this one girl who was really violent and only seemed to like her female clientele. But she didn't want to kill me. Her violence was work-related."

"Like S&M," Ukyo said.

"Yeah."

Akane cried as she ran home. She bolted right up to Kasumi's room. Akane interrupted her sister and Dr. Tofu.

"Akane!" Kasumi exclaimed, "What the hell do you think your doing!! Can't you see that I am busy with Ono!"

"This is more important," Akane sobbed.

Dr. Tofu hopped around the room trying to get dressed. He waved as his fully clothed body left the room with a wave. Kasumi sat in her bed covered with only her comforter.

"This better be...good. What happened to your hair?"

"He cut it off. That, that, boy!"

"What boy, Akane. They have names."

"That stupid Ryouga moron."

"Well, have you learned a lesson?"

"I already know boys are useless!"

"Akane, I'll fix your hair. When I'm done, I want you to go to your room and stay there till morning."

"But can't I stay here with you," Akane asked sweetly.

"Do you want me to fix your hair." Kasumi did not want the little lesbian sleeping in her room. Akane made her… nervous.

"Fine."

I'm kind of nervous about the reception after such a long hiatus. Hope it's not too, umm, weird (Well, by Takahashi-standards, that is). Ryouga needed a little good luck.


	5. Something Chinese this way comes

Not mine. Never was, never will be.

Here's some more. There be some Chinese here and a hint of lime?

Ranma-chan and P-chan (Ryouga) were walking back to the Tendou Dojo when they heard a voice.

"Young lady, small pig," the omnipresent female voice said, "Where are you going so late and in such poor weather?"

"Bweee, weeee, weee."

"Home," Ranma replied to the voice.

"No, no, no. That will not do. You stop and rest for the evening. You and your companion would not want catch ill, now."

Ranma and Ryouga stopped and turned to face the voice. They were met with an old woman, a foot-tall, holding a walking stick and standing in the doorway of a restaurant.

"Come now child, I shall allow you a bath and a place to sleep."

"Ok, but don't be surprised if two boys come out of the bathroom." Ranma carried Ryouga as the old woman led them to the bathroom.

Ranma and Ryouga came down stairs into to the dining room. The Old woman was standing on a table reading a scroll.

"Well, enjoy your bath boys? It must be nice to be in your original form."

"Huh," Ranma began.

"How did you know?" Ryouga finished.

"Call it old woman's intuition."

"Ni hao nai nai!" A bubbly girl bounced out from the kitchen carrying two bowls. "Ni hao!"

"Ni hao," Ranma replied with a bow.

"Ah our young guest knows our language."

"Well it only makes sense that I know our language as well."

"What do you mean child? Your home is here, in Japan."

"Japan is my homeland, but my home is in Beijing." Ranma flashed his passport.

"Well it's good to see a fellow countryman."

"So what brings you two here?"

"We seek my granddaughter's Airen."

"Who would that be?"

"Hibiki Ryouga." 

"Hmm, you wouldn't have happened to have seen him, would you?"

"Nope."

"Gui xing? (What are your names?)" Shampoo asked.

"Wo de Chang Ran Ma ji zhe wei shi… (My name is Chang Ran Ma and this is…)"

"Hibiki Mitsuishi," Ryouga said.

"Oh, do you know Hibiki-san?" Cologne asked.

"No, no I don't."

"He mo ni lai cong? (Where do you all come from?)" Ranma asked.

"Joketsuzoku, in Quinghai," Cologne replied.

"Shampoo want know if Chang-san ever been to Joketsuzoku."

"Yes, yes I have."

"You remember Shampoo?"

"Umm…"

"You help lose stupid boy."

"You mean Mu-Tsu?"

"Yes."

"You have grown into quite the young lady."

Shampoo looked confused.

"Ni bao you jia zhong po ye man heng." 

"Gan xie," Shampoo replied, "You very handsome."

"Gan xie."

That night the boys bunked in the living room that Cologne set up. 

"Ryouga, why were you all nervous around Xian Pu?"

"Nervous? Who was nervous? Not me, why would I be nervous?"

"Ryouga."

"What?"

"Ryouga."

"What."

"Ryouga!!"

"What! I didn't defeat her! I'm not supposed to marry her. I was never in her stupid village!"

"You didn't. Tell me you didn't!"

"Ok, I didn't"

"Yeah right and I'm Chairman Mao."

"I was hungry!"

"You're lucky you're not dead. Let me guess it was tournament season, you found the village of Amazon womens and decided to help yourself to the spread."

Ryouga nodded.

"That was Xian Pu's prize. For winning the tournament, Xian Pu gains the position of strongest in the village. She was supposed to get that excellent spread. The winner would then share the spread in a party afterwards. I should know. She invited me!"

"How?"

"Training trip. After Pops threw me in the spring, he tried to drag me back there. I just spent the day listening to the guide. Pops was constantly trying to coerce me into sparring, but I was still mad at him. The guide showed us the village. That's where I met Xian Pu and Mu Tsu."

"Whose Mu Tsu?"

"He was trying to marry Xian Pu. Mu Tsu would challenge her. Xian Pu would proceed to whoop ass. I saw three, no four of these attacks. I offered assistance…"

"What?"

"Oh pi hua."

"What Ranma!" Ryouga was entranced.

"I kind have defeated Mu Tsu."

"So, what's the problem?"

"I was a girl at the time."

"But you're not Amazon."

"You see, if an Amazon woman defeats a man in challenge, she's free and clear. An outsider woman is required to take the man in."

"So?"

"Mu Tsu will be coming for me."

"You mean you have to Mu Tsu?"

Ranma nodded.

"Honor?"

Ranma nodded again.

"Oh, man."

"But you're a man."

"A Chinese man, and a cursed one at that. Under Chinese law, I can legally marry a man as well as a woman. It doesn't happen a lot, but the law was made to pacify the Amazons."

"But we're in Japan, oh wait, Mousse will try to use that to get out of China. Spouse visa and all of that."

"Oh yeah, well, you still have to marry Xian Pu. You'll go back to the village, get married; Xian Pu will bare you daughters, you'll raise them, they will bring you honor."

"But I don't want get married."

"Come on Ryouga, it's not like you haven't done it."

"That's not the point!" Ryouga was crying like a baby.

"AIREN!!!!!" Enter Xian Pu.

"Augh! No, no I'm Mitsuishi, Mitsuishi, not airen! No please, where are you taking me! I don't want to have children!!!"

"Airen so silly. You no fool me Ryouga. Great Grandmother show me pictures."

" I don't want to have children."

"You too too silly. We not have children. Just consummate marriage."

"What?" Interest flashed across Ryouga's face.

"Yeah, Xian Pu, I think you left some key points out of your letters."

"We already married."

"Explain."

"After defeat, we have ceremony."

"So that's why you gave me that drink and we stood in front of the elders and I had to repeat those Chinese words."

"Yes and then you wander off," Xian Pu said, " Now we have too, too wonderful love making."

"Oh well then," Ryouga said as he adjusted his pants in a suggestive manner, "I'll see you in the morning."

"Have fun, I'll visit you when I return to China. You are going back to China, right?"

"Oh, umm, umm, uh."

"Just come make love to Xian Pu."

"Alright!"

"Xian Pu?"

"Yes?" She asked, holding Ryouga over her shoulder.

"Can I use your phone."

"It over there." Xian Pu carried Ryouga off. The sound of Ryouga asking to be put down trailed off. Ranma walked over to the phone. He picked it up and dialed. A female voice answered the phone.

"Hello, Kuno residence."

"Um, is Kodachi there?"

"This is she. Who is, oh Ranma, hello. To what do I owe this call?"

"Just wanted to talk to you."

"Really? So what have you been up to? Staying away from Akane I hope."

"Yup, in fact I'm spending the night with a friend and her husband."

"Sounds fun."

"When would you like to hang out again?"

"Umm, you could come over tonight? It must be boring there."

"Would that be ok?"

"Sure, it's just me and my brother and his man servant. I could use the company."

"Alright, umm, why did you put directions on the back."

"For just such an occasion."

"Oh, let me just leave a note and I'll be right over."

Thank you all for reading! Like the cannon, no real fancy magics till after the Rhythmic Gymnastics match. It goes astray from there.


End file.
